


Richie Tozier’s Comedy Special But Only The Parts I Vibe To

by Rosalee_Kenneth



Series: The Losers Being Dumbasses for * Fics Straight [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Can we make that a tag, Comedian Richie Tozier, Crack, Famous Richie Tozier, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mentions of Bev/Rich friendship, Stan Is Having A Field Day, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22440340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosalee_Kenneth/pseuds/Rosalee_Kenneth
Summary: Richie has a comedy special called 'Not The Right Time for a Joke' and here are the only good parts of it. Again, the title is basically the summary.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: The Losers Being Dumbasses for * Fics Straight [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1611139
Comments: 5
Kudos: 386





	Richie Tozier’s Comedy Special But Only The Parts I Vibe To

**Author's Note:**

> i bet this isn't really that funny but i tried

**Richie Tozier’s Comedy Special But Only The Parts I Vibe To**

**2.6 M views**

[Richie’s Comedy Special on Netflix ‘Not the Right Time for a Joke’]

 **Richie:** You know those people that say they laugh at inappropriate times, imagine that but like 50x worse and gay. That’s me in a nutshell. It’s not like I want to laugh at your husband’s funeral, Kathy, It’s just a force of habit.

***

 **Richie:** I was watching a horror movie with my platonic wife, Beverly Marsh, and all of a sudden, the murder is just killing everyone within a 5-mile radius of him. I, an intellectual, laughed the whole time while everyone else in the theater stared at me like I was a sociopath.

***

 **Richie:** Saying that you killed a murder clown when you were 13 isn’t really the best conversation to have with someone on the first date. You can rule that under the many reasons on why I didn’t get a real boyfriend until I was 40.

***

 **Richie:** The reason why I can never wear contacts is because if I do, everyone will mistake me for Bill Hader. People mistake me for Bill Hader even when I have my glasses on. The other day some girl came up to me and said he loved me in Barry and I’m just like ‘Do I look like the type of man that could hold a gun and look just even a little badass?’. The answer is no.

***

 **Richie:** Everyone on Tumblr, scary place by the way, describes me as their gay dad and I don’t know If I should feel proud or weirded out.

***

 **Richie:** I feel like I’m one of the very few gays without gaydar. I’m really fucking pissed about it, too. It’s like I see a man wearing head-to-toe drag and I’m just like ‘fuck, they’re straight’. No, Rich, you’re just a bad gay.

***

 **Richie:** I watch a lot of Keeping Up with The Kardashians…cause I’m gay. And I’m just watching the show thinking to myself ‘Is Scott really allowed to just walk into their house like that?’. You’re Kardashians, man, invest in some better home security.

***

 **Richie:** I literally get panic attacks over the dumbest shit. I could be minding my own business and then all of a sudden, I’m just thinking ‘What if they take Gilmore Girls off of Netflix?’, and then I proceed to take 5 hours to calm myself down.

***

 **Richie:** My boyfriend’s a risk analyst, I know…sexy, and their will be times where we’re having a pretty heated moment and he just whispers in my ear ‘the percentage of us having sex is about 86% right now’. Embarrassingly enough, I think that number goes up the minute he says shit like that.

***

 **Richie:** I don’t think I’d ever want children because it’s just this cycle of them needing to be around you 24/7 to them hating your guts. I get enough of that from my boyfriend.

***

 **Richie:** When me and my friends were like 16, we found a porn tape, and not just any porn tape…a lesbian porn tape. So, like the curious and horny 16-year-olds we were, we watched it. I think that was the realization of me knowing I was gay because all of my other friends were getting boners and shit, including Bev—I’m calling her out, and I was just yawning and convincing myself to stay awake. I was really fucking tired, ok?

***

 **Richie:** The first time it clicked in my brain that me and Beverly were soulmates was when we both got high, made out to the entire movie of Sixteen Candles, and then broke apart only to say it didn’t mean anything to the either of us. I think more people need someone they can platonically kiss, it’s a great feeling.

***

 **Richie:** I don’t really ever cry about things, what I do, though, is cover my face with my hands and hold them like that until I decide that I finally want to interact with the rest of the world. To be honest, it’s a lot more effective.

***

 **Richie:** Essentially the friends from FRIENDS were all hot, straight, white men and women who complained a lot. Like why are there 10 seasons of those guys’ problems when they are the definition of privilege?

***

 **Richie:** I think everyone has had or does have that one celebrity crush where they question why they even like them in the first place. For me, it’s Ted Cruz. Originally, it was Kevin Spacey but like…yikes.

***

 **Richie:** The dumbest decision I have ever made was probably spending 27 years pining over a 5’5 twink who wore polo shirts and fanny packs. It’s also the best.

***

 **Richie:** I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking of what names who be sexy or unsexy to moan out during sex. Like imagine fucking someone named Cornelius. He’d probably finish cumming the minute you finish moaning out his name.

***

[Richie’s phone starts ringing]

 **Richie:** Oh, fuck! I swear this isn’t scripted, guys. It’s Bill, oh my god. I have to answer it. Don’t worry, I’ll put speaker on, but you need to be quiet. Hey, Bill.

 **Bill:** Hi, Rich. Are you busy, right now?

 **Richie:** I can’t say I am.

 **Bill:** I need your advice on how to end my book.

 **Richie:** Finally, you take advice from the professional.

 **Bill:** No, you’re just the only one who’s not busy because unlike everyone else, you don’t have a life.

 **Richie:** Yep, you sure are right about that one, Billiam.

 **Bill:** Ok, so should I kill off the main character, Vixen—

 **Richie:** Is Vixen a stripper?

 **Bill:** No, she’s a Costco employee.

 **Richie:** Kill her off then.

 **Bill:** What’s your vendetta against Costco employees?

 **Richie:** Let’s not talk about that.

 **Bill:** Oh, is it because of that one time you had sex with that guy from Costco in the Bakery section?

 **Richie:** [hangs up] That never happened…

***

 **Richie:** Sometimes I don’t think I’m funny enough to be a comedian. Like I’ll write down a joke that I think is subpar at best and you guys will laugh your tits off at it for hours. Maybe you guys are what’s the problem with comedy in the United States. Ever think of that?

***

 **Richie:** Every time I go to see Beverly for an outfit fitting, she asks me what type of look I’m going for. How the fuck am I supposed to know? I look like a homeless person who’s hacked up on drugs all the time, and you’re asking me what I deem best fit for an event?

***

 **Richie:** I feel like I could kill it on RuPaul’s drag race. All I have to do to win is be petty, better than everyone else, and iconic for something really dumb. How am I not already in the running to win right now?

***

 **Richie:** Using Vick’s VapoRub as lube is upon on of the weirdest sexual experiences I’ve ever had. Me and my boyfriend were on vacation and he forgot the lube, but he did bring Vick’s so I’m thinking let’s just use Vick’s. So, we were heavy petting, right, and all of a sudden, I’m just getting these horrific flashes of my grandma in the middle of it. The thing with Vick’s is that it smells like it belongs on an old person 24/7. Safe to say, we didn’t complete the heavy petting, but my dick did smell like a nana for 3 days. Score…

***

 **Richie:** There was a point in my life where I used to sleep with every interviewer I ever had during junkets and press interviews. Like the interview would be over and I’d just whisper in their ear ‘Do you want to have sex with me, I’m desperate’, and most times that technique worked. The fucked-up thing though is that I can never do an interview with those people again otherwise I’ll start sweating like crazy. There’s just something about seeing your one-night stand again, even though you both agreed it was a one-night stand, that’s so surreal. It’s like a movie where you think the supporting character is dead and then they come back and you’re just like ‘How the fuck did that happen?’.

***

 **Richie:** I will keep making Harry Potter references despite me never reading the books or watching the movies. Take that, muggles!

***

 **Richie:** I quite recently finished watching season 2 of this Netflix Original called YOU. Yeah, that’s the name of the show, I’m not being a perv. So, anyway there was this character named Forty and throughout the entire show I was thinking to myself ‘this guy is gay as shit’, and then he falls for a girl and my entire worldview changed. Shows like YOU are what’s fucking up my gaydar.

***

 **Richie:** I love baking shows so fucking much. I swear to god, the Food Network is the only thing keeping me alive at this point. I just get so invested in these people cooking and the minute something bad happens to them, I literally lose my shit. I’m yelling at my TV like ‘Jeremy, you clumsy fuck, why did you spill your chocolate ganache when you have 3 minutes left?’.

***

 **Richie:** I want to get drunk really badly right now cause I feel like the show’s bombing.

*Richie sits down on the stage*

 **Richie:** And my feet hurt like a bitch. That’s the thing John Mulaney never talks about—how fucking sore your feet get during a performance. My feet are shoved in these toe-pinching shoes and I’m just walking around a stage recalling some of the world memories of my life in a jokey manner. So, anyway…in High School…

***

 **Richie:** That’s the end of the show, I guess. I hope you enjoyed it, tell me your favorite moments on Twitter. If you have any complaints, then send them to @stanthemanuris—he’ll get a good laugh reading those.

**Thanks for Watching**

**Comments:**

**50/50 with Cristobal:** I would watch Richie wait for paint to dry and find it the most hilarious thing ever

_379 likes_

**toxic waste:** Richie always feels like he’s simultaneously loving and hating his comedy career

_561 likes_

**Bread and Butter:** Why is Scott just allowed to walk into the Kardashian’s house?

_190 likes_

**Not_Another_Dream_Sequence:** I related to Richie on a spiritual level when he said he didn’t have gaydar

_1.9k likes_

**_Staniel:** I love how it looks like Richie is having literal life realizations when he’s on that stage

_324 likes_

**Zionks, Shaggy:** Richie saying he loves cooking shows is the same energy as Bill Hader saying he loves true crime shows

_3.0k likes_

**Iced Tea and Sadness:** Eddie is watching this and regretting ever having sex with that man

_831 likes_

**Author's Note:**

> can we please make 'Stan Is Having A Field Day' a tag? I'm literally going to tag all my fics that have Stan in them with 'Stan Is Having A Field Day' just so that can happen. This is my Valentine's day gift.


End file.
